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 Funny Status For WhatsApp - Top English Funny Quotes 2022

• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
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• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
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• Dear Facebook, Please stop asking me what’s on my mind. I’m gonna get myself in trouble if I keep spilling my guts to you.
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• My dreams are bigger than my wallet, but I’ll find a way
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• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
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• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
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• If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
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• Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
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• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
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• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
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• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
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• The longer the title the less important the job.
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• Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
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• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
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• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
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• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
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• Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
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• I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
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• No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
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• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
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• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
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• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
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• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
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• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
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• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
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• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
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• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
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• The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
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• Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
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• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
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• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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• We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
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• I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
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• I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
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• A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
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• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
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• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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• We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
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• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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• When in doubt, mumble.
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• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
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• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
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• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
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• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
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• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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• Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
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• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
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• Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
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• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
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• Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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• If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
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• After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
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• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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• Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
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• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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• The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
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• Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
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• Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
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• They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
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• If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
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• By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
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• We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
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• Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
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• I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
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• People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
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• I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
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• Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
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• Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
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• Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
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• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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• Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
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• Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
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• I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
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• There are no winners in life…only survivors.
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• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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• Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
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• The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
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• I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
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• The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
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• There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
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• I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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• We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
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• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
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• If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
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• How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
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• I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
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• To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
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• Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
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• Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
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• Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
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• The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
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• If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
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• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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• Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
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